In my last article I wrote about the definition of the ego and how to start dealing with it. I wrote that it is really indispensable to reveal our reactional patterns and emotional habits, to observe patiently how we react in certain situations.
How to do so? And what are these kinds of habits or reactions?
Let’s look closer at that topic.
Imagine — Since fifteen years you’ve been trapped in a job that you hate, that takes away all of your lust for life. And suddenly you find a job advertisement in the newspaper that promises you exactly what you always wanted. You apply for that job. You got invited to a job interview. You hardly believe your luck. And you tell yourself — this time it’s going to be different, this time your life is going to change. And then the day of the job interview approaches. The possibility of entering a new life comes closer. The possibility of destroying your actual life, of everything you have built up until now, becomes more real.
And out of nothing there is this well-known, unpleasant feeling. All these thoughts begin to pop up in your head. Is this really right? Am I doing something stupid?
Since a few days you have the feeling not being able to brath anymore. Are you afraid? No — of course not. You’re an adult. You are brave, you don’t have fear. That’s not something a grown up should have in our society — fear! Somebody who fears something, no, you’re not weak!
And very cleverly your mind starts telling you, that your actual job is much safer. Probably the new job will not suit you anyways.
Then you cancel. And you tell yourself that it was a good decision. But deep down you know you are lying to yourself, you feel guilty but you’re intentionally overlooking it. You suffer, pretending not to know why.
Here is the very source of your suffering:
You let your ego win again. You gave up your control to your deeply rooted reaction patterns. You were again the bouncy ball that is thrown into a corner by an event in life and then wildly and uncontrolled jumps back and forth. No control. No consciousness.
But if you dare to look, to observe patiently your egos reactions, you have the possibility to take over control again. Because the ego — the ego it is nurtured by fear.
If we assume that the ego is a scaffold, what you have built around your being, with which you identify with, what keeps you from dismantling it again? What keeps you from seeing yourself, your being? It is fear. Your scaffolding, your mask, your self-created self. It should show everyone how important you are, how powerful. If you took off the mask, who would you be? Under the mask you hide what nobody should see — a natural being, full of contrasts.
You want to hide the dark sides from others. Over time, you no longer just hide them from others, but also from yourself.
You are no longer aware of your fears, you only react to circumstances, adapted to your self-constructed personality. Without knowing whether it is your self — because you no longer know yourself. And where there is ignored fear or unconscious fear, there is the ego. Basically, the ego is nothing more than a protective wall. Out of fear, you build your whole being on impressions that are supposed to cover your weaknesses.
