There was this book a few years ago called ‘’Generation relationship incapable’’. It was a real sensation and it seems like a large part of human beings felt addressed. Even if it’s always a great achievement for an author to obtain such a high resonance it is somehow an unsetting thought that so many people have an unhealthy understanding of love.
Why are we so incapable of building connections nowadays? Or rather, why are we so bad in maintaining in a relationship? What happened to the so-called generation relationship incapable?
Scanning our own environment of friends and family, it is frightening how many relationships seem to be incredibly heavy. You can feel this heaviness just by observing. How burdensome it must feel being trapped in such a relationship. Or maybe you by yourself already so stuck in an unhealthy partnership. Torturing yourself everyday to keep shit together — to not let the bomb explode. Why do we do that to ourselves? Is that heaviness the reson for avoiding relationships?
We grew up in an environment that taught us how to behave. When to speak, when to suppress feelings, when to be kind and decent. The creation of conditioned shell in order to be conform with the social system. The dangerous thing is that we become that shell. We forget that there is something else, the inner child. It gets lost on the way of becoming a system conform society member. We lose ourselves by being taught how to be ‘’normal’’. And slowly, slowly we forget what’s inside. We become a puzzle of trained habits and we think its us.
Sooner or later your inner child will scream for attention because it can’t bear all the suppression anymore. Something in you will feel unsatisfied and you will start searching for something that cures your inner pain. You try to cure it through something that all the other society members exemplify — through outer pleasures. Cars, professional advancement, recognition, expensive watches, sex, drugs, relationships. You will search for something that releases the heaviness, what makes you feel alive. It will help. In short term. Sooner or later that uncomfortable feeling will come back. The feeling of being incomplete, as if something is missing in your live. Is it love?
And then eventually you’ll find somebody who feels the same. Who is also in search for completion. Isn’t that beautiful? Two people come together, with the purpose of finding wholeness in each other. No. It is not. It is the beginning of more sorrow.
People have to become aware about the fact that love has nothing to do with demanding. When you come together with a person because of a need, because you search for wholeness, that is not love. That is your ego, searching for characteristics in another person which can make you feel better, more alive. Sooner or later your ego will be unsatisfied again and you blame the other person for it. You will feel lonely, unloved. And that’s most probably not because of the other person, but because of yourself. Because the other person can’t give you what you’re searching for — your whole self.
A healthy relationship is like mutual serving, not because of wanting something but because you want to give from the deepest urge of your heart. Because you LOVE the person. You are like two trains. Traveling next to each other but on your own lane. Feeling whole by yourself but enjoying the others presence. Not crashing together, not in the need of the others fuel. Demanding nothing, simply enjoying.
You have to realize first that you are everything. Everything that you’re looking for in the need of feeling whole. You’re the one who gives you security, appreciation, love, attention and peace. Understand that first. Then you are able to enter a relationship. You are able because you want to give and you are ready to enjoy the mutual presence, not because you’re in a need, which another person cannot fulfill. We are not relationship incapable — we just unlearned what the very core of a relationship is. A beautiful accompaniment of two persons journeys. It’s not heavy, it’s simple.
