Fragility

In the last years, the fight for health of my dad gave me prennial unwanted long-lasting glimpses into the underworld. My life taught me the very first time what it really meant to suffer. That none of the pain I ever felt before can be called sorrow compared to the situation I am facing with dementia. It was the first time when I precisely could feel stitches all over my heart, unable to do anything against it, except from not loosing my mind.

With Dementia it is not possible to just sit through pain and wait until the storm is over. I still have to get used to the constant breakage of my heart, especially everytime I see my dad stuggeling with that sickness and the loss of meaning of life. Most heartbreaking are the looks he gives me when I leave. His eyes desperately tell me to stay, because love is the last thing that keeps him alive. But he is not saying it. Because he loves me. If he is not allowed to live, he wants at least me to enjoy life. The loneliness in combination with aimlessness is slowly but constantly soaking out any will to keep fighting against that crap. I am trying my best in offering tiny aims — but I know that it is not enough. He wants to do that by himself. And he can’t. That is what fucks him up. And I have to face that I am helpless here.

That whole construct not only makes me sad but also very angry. I obviously have no idea if there’s a logic behind the whole world and how or why we are existing. Nobody ever will. If anybody ever would be able to do so the world has to loose a lot of complexity. Hopefully it will never become that odd. So I am very aware about the fact that there has to be fragility. We need it. Without it, we wouldn’t value anything in life. Fragility means to be aware of the fact that life can be over very soon, that everything can be over and that is what makes it beautiful and precious.

But dementia doesn’t only show fragility it overwhelmes you with the visibleness of fragility. They have to suffer without any chance of seeing an improvement. And to make matters worse they are not even able to do things they like by themselves, which would at least distract them from all that crap.

Some people can’t even stand the fact that we’re all going to die in the end, nobody would want to be confronted with that every single day. Dementia tells you that you’re life will probably be over in the next ten years, but until then you have to wait and you won’t be able to fill that time, because you will forget how to do things.

SO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY — A CONSTANT AGGLUTINATON OF THE FRAGMENTS OF YOUR HEART TO AVOID A BIG WHOLE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR CHEST

Fragility is our drive, gives us the opportunity to grow and lets us appreciate beauty in everything that lives. The bad side effect is a broken heart. I guess we have to face it, that we are not in control of anything anyways. The only thing we can do is to create so much beauty that it compensates the darkness.